andy gillette

I’m currently working on ‘PARTYFOOD: A Novella’ in collaboration with lil brother.  What follows is an excerpt.  Suggestions, comments, opinions and money are all welcome.

PROLOGUE

“cud u tell teh diffrents?”

The vacancy in PARTYFOOD’s stare says he’s been daydreaming again. “wot r u TALKIN BOUT?”

“if u wud splode in S P A C E and u wud crush inna oshun … cud you FEEL teh diffrents tween em?”

“ur silly PIG. jus we cud FLOAT in dem.”

“u cant floats cuz u dont ‘gets it’ yet.” PIG’s face is a sagging caricature of depression.

“i dont get it.”

1.

The discarded remains of a week-long binge are piling up, threatening to overtake WALTAR’s lumpy, ancient beanbag chair. Someone in an adjacent apartment is blaring an old Bill Hicks’ record: “More Snickers! More Coke!!!” The phone has been ringing every twenty minutes or so for nearly three days, but WALTAR has been too drunk to bother finding it. As he shifts his weight to let out a slow, wheezing fart the ringing becomes noticeably louder. He reaches deep into the beanbag’s ass-shaped divot and comes up with the receiver.

“Heh-oh?” He hasn’t moved, let alone spoken to anyone in days and the words get stuck in his throat on their way out. “Hello?”

“WALTAR, its PARTYFOOD. haz u seen PIG?”

“What? What do you want, fag?”

“i cant find PIG. HAZ U SAW HIM?”

“oh, yeah. That little cum-rag is cowering in the corner right now. I had some friends over for a little piggy party, if you know what i …”

“SRSLY WALTAR!!!”

“Haven’t seen ‘em.” He hangs up and tosses the phone in the general direction of the toilet before taking a hefty slug of whiskey.

You can roughly estimate the length of one of these binges by the caliber of whiskey in WALTAR’s hand. He starts out running through the ranks of the Johnny Walker color wheel and ends up in realm of plastic jugs with completely forgettable names. The “Barret’s Special Blend” clutched between his swollen knees was a bad sign. The desperation would set in soon and send him, slobbering and grabbing and stinking, out into the world.

2.

But for the light pollution that suffuses much of the North American sky, an idle stargazer in southern California would almost be able to see, just above the horizon to the southwest, a small cadre of DOLPHINZ in the star-dappled sky.

Last night, I fell asleep with my shoes on.

I don’t remember falling asleep.  Last I recall, I was chatting with Molls because lil brother told me that she is friends with the other blogging Molly in real life.  I was trying to get this confirmed or denied when I apparently stumbled to the couch and passed out.

A Visual Aid:

I made dinner last night for my Aunt Lynne, lil cousin Amelia, my Grandmother and her friend Sue from across the street.  Part of the idea was to impress Sue with my culinary prowess so that she might employ me to cook when she is entertaining guests in a couple of weeks.  I think it worked.

Menu:

Appetizers
Stuffed Mushrooms (recipe below) and Roasted Red Peppers

First Course
Pasta alla Funghi

Entree
Spicy Italian Pork Chops (via Lidia)

Salad
Mixed Greens with Endive and Grapefruit

Stuffed Mushrooms

10-15 mushrooms (white ones, big enough to stuff)
white wine
4-6 cloves garlic
breadcrumbs
olive oil
fresh herbs (parsley, basil, oregano, whatever you like)
salt and pepper

This recipe is really easy to add stuff to, so if you’ve got veggies or whatever in the fridge to get rid of just throw them (celery, onion, tomatoes, etc.).  First, pop the stems off of the mushrooms.  lay the mushrooms upside down in a pyrex dish.  Chop the stems up pretty small, and chop the garlic up even smaller.  Sautee the garlic for a couple minutes in some olive oil and then throw the mushrooms in with it (add veggies now too if you’ve got them, but make sure you chop them pretty fine).  Cook until they start to brown, probably 5-10 minutes.  Add some white wine to the pan (I don’t know, half a cup?).  Cook it down until it’s pretty much dry, like, 10 more minutes.
Mix up the mushrooms and garlic with breadcrumbs until you’ve got a nice mushy stuffing.  If you overdo it with the breadcrumbs, add some oil to moisten it back up.  Salt and pepper to taste.  Spoon this into the mushrooms and put a little bit of wine in the dish so they don’t dry out.
Put the whole mess into a 400 degree oven for 20-30 minutes.  Et voila!

Little brother and I just saw The Dark Knight at the Cineramadome.

I really expected that a lot of the hype about how amazing Heath Ledger was in the movie had more to do with the fact that he killed himself shortly after than any actual amazingness. I was pleasantly surprised. He was an awesome Joker and now I’m (admittedly selfishly) kind of sad that he won’t be around to make another Batman.

After the movie we went by the Mr. Brainwash gallery show because lil brother hadn’t seen it yet and I had to pick up my (fucking radical) Elvis with a machine gun print. Now I’m back home drinking champagne and contemplating the pool. Sometimes my life feels like a cartoon.